The Arrival Fallacy

When I was a child, I didn't really think too much about happiness. I was living with my mother, stepfather, siblings, and had friends I hung out with regularly. I spent my days in elementary school, playing at local parks, and staying up late at night playing video games, watching funny YouTube videos, and wondering when we were going to the roller rink.

To say the least, I peaked during that period of my childhood.

Happiness was never really a goal of mine during that period. I never had to work towards it or feel like I had to achieve objectives or obtain things to be happy. Plainly put, I was happy.

Sure, there were things that I wanted but didn't have growing up, and that's something every child experiences. But it didn't affect my sense of self, unlike nowadays. During my childhood, I don't really remember thinking this way; most of my worries involved fantasizing about getting a gaming PC to become the next big YouTuber.

I'm not exactly sure where along the way that happiness became a goal.

I know it started somewhere in middle school, and I know in high school it became more of a struggle for me to be happy on an everyday basis. During that period of time, I was part of a toxic friend group that perpetuated a lot of my self-esteem issues and cynicism. I will write more about the consequences of this period of my life in later posts.

So plainly put, the last few years have been difficult for me to achieve lasting happiness and satisfaction with my life. Therefore, I have sought out many goals and objectives in the pursuit of earning my happiness following my graduation from high school.

This mindset of working to earn my happiness has allowed me to achieve a lot in recent years — far more than many of my peers — and I look back on these achievements with apathy. I've wondered why, until recently. About two weeks ago, I was listening to a self-improvement podcast during a road trip and the hosts explained a concept named "the arrival fallacy."

The arrival fallacy is essentially defined as the illusion that lasting happiness will arrive whenever you achieve a particular goal or obtain a possession.

I'm nearly 100% certain that you've heard some variation of this idea before; people have been promoting this idea for decades. I've heard it my whole life and many turn a blind eye to it because it seems like a cliché to hear over and over again. Some may even interpret it as an excuse for low-performing people to stop working towards their goals.

I was one of those people.

Then, I considered how I have lived my life up to that point. When happiness and life satisfaction became a goal for me, I believe that I used my discontentment as fuel to begin working harder. I subscribed to the idea that, once "X" is completed, then I will be happy. And so began the years of my life believing and reinforcing this idea.

Once I graduate high school, then I'll be happy.
Once I go to college, then I'll be happy.
Once I go live on campus, then I'll be happy.
Once I graduate college, then I'll be happy.
Once I get a job in my field of study, then I'll be happy.
Once I get a new car, then I'll be happy.
Once I live on my own, then I'll be happy.
Once I finish grad school, then I'll be happy.

I have achieved or bought each thing in this mental checklist expecting myself to be happy, to be content, and for it to last long enough to become the new status quo. And yet, when I look back on the recent years of my life, I can't remember a period of time that I was truly happy.

Living under this paradigm essentially reinforces the idea that you are not allowed to be happy (or more dangerously, not allowed to love yourself) until you complete your goals or get what you want.

But, goalposts move. You will always have something to work towards in your life; physique goals, financial goals, career goals, and obtaining materialistic possessions will always be in the back of your mind as you progress in your life. So where does that leave you?

Imagine living your entire life filled with self-hatred because you're not where you want to be, only to look back with regret because you've hated yourself your entire life.

That's what I realized recently. Becoming familiarized with the concept of the arrival fallacy helped me to recognize that I need to reevaluate my relationship with goals, ambition, and self-love. If I keep living my life believing that I am not allowed to be happy or love myself until I achieve goals, then my life will be miserable and filled with regret when I am older.

I would encourage you to also reflect on some of your goals and evaluate if you are a victim to the arrival fallacy. If you are, reconsider how you fuel your ambition and where your happiness truly comes from.

I am in that process and am certainly no expert, but recognition is the first step for anybody who wants meaningful change in their life.

You are allowed to be happy while working on your goals, not just when they are achieved.

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.”

— Jim Carrey