On Being Alone

I recently spent my birthday away from my family for the first time in my life.

About 2 years ago, I moved several hours away from home following my graduation from college and starting a new job. Despite the long drive from where I live now and my hometown, I’ve traveled home on my birthday both of those years to prevent myself from spending my birthday alone.

I didn’t want to spend my birthday alone because it didn’t feel right. At least, that’s the justification I believe drove me to go home regardless of the inconvenience of distance. Every single birthday from my childhood to early adulthood was celebrated with my family, friends, or, at the very least, I had people around me. To spend a birthday away from everyone back home, away from everybody that I’ve ever known, seemed too heavy for me.

And two years later, that’s exactly what I did. I went out for breakfast with a friend and that was the extent of my birthday celebration. The rest of the day was normal for the most part; I had gone to the gym, cleaned my room a bit, but nothing was necessarily extravagant about my birthday. It felt odd. I was literally googling things to do to try to fill my time on my day off of work.

Perhaps it is just the fact that I was in my early adulthood that I felt a certain way about it. Maybe it was because I just wasn’t surrounded by my family.

I was blessed to have at least one friend’s company on the day of my birthday. This experience made me think about my relationships as a whole, and, more broadly, modern culture surrounding relationships.

Relationships are rudimentary to the human experience. As we live our lives, we will be surrounded by, interacting with, comparing ourselves to, solving problems with, befriending, getting into arguments with, and celebrating with people. Even though we are at a time where more and more people feel isolated than ever (thanks, social media), we still have to interact with people on a day-to-day basis. I’m assuming you are not isolated from the outside world, and, if you are, I hope you fix that.

I feel terrible for those who have been conditioned to involuntarily isolate themselves from others because of a terrible upbringing, likely one that didn’t teach you how to properly socialize with others. Or people are afflicted with trauma from childhood bullying. Or some people have a natural inclination to be reclusive and consequently it is difficult to foster and maintain relationships with others.

Having groups of people in your life that are friends or family is a privilege that many of us take for granted.

That said, I have encountered countless social media content promoting a “lone wolf” mentality that criticizes the idea of having close friends. It attempts to sell the idea that people perform best and are most productive alone, and relationships with others are not at all important for life fulfillment. In my experience, I usually see these posts originate from the manosphere corner of the internet, promoted by grifters who benefit from having desperate, alienated men subscribe to their online course to get their lives together.

While I do believe in some elements of independence as it relates to “getting your life together,” I also strongly believe that relationships are not something to be plainly dismissed as if they are unimportant. I would actually argue the opposite.

Let me remind you that humans have evolved as social creatures; social creatures who’ve interacted with each other for hundreds of thousands of years. As we evolved, we’ve learned to work together, hunt, socialize, congregate, socialize, and create relationships for pretty much the entirety of time that our species has been on this planet. These relationship dynamics are biologically reinforced in our brains, and should not be something dismissed as insignificant no matter what corner of the internet is trying to sell you on that idea.

As I enter my mid-20s, I have come to realize that my relationships with others are much more important than I thought. Going forward, I want to spend my time with others, learn about and befriend more people, celebrate others’ achievements, and surround myself with people that add value to my life.

Grass is green, I know.

But don’t try to isolate yourself in an effort to be someone you’re not. At our core, we are all human, and we all desire a sense of belonging and community.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

— Mother Teresa